Pamphlets
by Velvet mace
Summary: Drabbles. Chapter 6 MORE CRACK: RoyEdAlHawkeyeHavocFeuryBredaFarmanEnvy - yep it's a love nonagon, sort of.
1. Pamphlets

Authors Note: So I was wondering if I can write a drabble? This is in response to staying up until 1 a.m. reading raunchy NC-17 fics with Ed and various other people and things.

PAMPHLETS

Al was worried about Ed. His older brother had been acting oddly now for a couple of weeks. Making plans to spend time with Al, but then suddenly changing his mind. Sometimes he called ahead. Sometimes he outright disappeared for hours leaving Al feeling panicked that something bad must have happened.

When Al asked what was going on, Ed would just stare into space and say, "Nothing."

Al asked Hawkeye what to do about it. She said she'd look into it.

On the train to the next mission Ed opened the manila file with his briefing in it. Three trifold pamphlets fluttered to the floor.

A Soldiers Guide to STDS

Respecting Her, Respecting Yourself.

How to Say "No" to Unwanted Touching.

Ed blushed. "How did they know!"

"Brother, your face is covered in bruises and hickeys and you are walking funny. It's pretty much obvious to everyone."


	2. The Complaints Department

A/N: Ok, how about a meta drabble. I've been reading way too much fanfic lately.

THE FANFIC COMPLAINTS DEPT.

Lust took a seat in the waiting room at the Fanfic complaints department. For a few minutes she twiddled her number, flipping it over, but that quickly grew boring. She tried reading the magazines, but found that neither Homes and Gardens nor Parents really appealed to her. Living Simple amused her for only moments.

A few minutes later who should walk in but the Fullmetal Pipsqueak himself, looking like he was either going to throw a tantrum or murder someone. He carried a long handwritten list in his hands. He spared her a brief glance then sat down on the chair on the opposite side of the waiting room and glowered at the floor.

Lust stretched seductively in her seat, running her hands through her lustrous hair, and regarded the young Alchemist through half lidded eyes. "So what are you in here for?" she purred. "Bad characterization? Embarrassing crossover? No paragraphs?"

"Pairings."

"How odd, that's what I'm in here for, too." Lust leaned forward. "What a coincidence."

"So what is wrong with the way you are paired?"

"The problem is I'm not!" Lust puffed up angrily. "When I signed on for this gig, my agent said I'd be kick ass bad and beautiful and everyone would drool over me. And look at it, not only do I NOT get any action during the actual show, but I'm hardly ever given any action in the fanfics, either. That little blond trollop friend of yours, Winry sees more action than I do. Hell even your BROTHER gets more fanfic action than me and he's an underage piece of armor for most of the series. It honestly isn't fair."

Lust stood up and cross the space between them in a couple of steps and lifted him up by his collar. "So what is wrong with me?"

"I wish I knew – I'm an underage character who shows no sexual interest whatsoever during the show, and hell I'm paired with EVERYONE. And despite the fact that I'm tough, I got this nifty automail, and I fight more than any other character in the series, I seem to usually end up on the… er… receiving end of things."

Lust put him down.

"What's the list?"

"Authors I plan to grievously harm as soon as I can figure the alchemy to do it. And yes, they know who they are."

00000000000

META META

The unrepentant author types furiously at her computer, pausing only to gleefully exclaim, "So you think you can threaten me. Heh, just for that I'm going to unleash my latest crack pairing on you, my ultra cute puppet. Fall in love with THIS!" And she resumes typing as fast as she can.

Back in the waiting room Lust rolls her eyes. "I bet you ten to one it won't include me."

Meanwhile Velvet mace sits back with a bowl of popcorn and watches the fiasco unfold.


	3. Fighting Pretty

A/N So, I broke down and got the Full Metal Alchemist game for PS2 despite it's luke warm rating. So far so good, but… er… there is a certain Final Fantasy feel about the powerups they leave lying around in er, randomly strewn chests. I can imagine what Ed would REALLY think about them. Well, heck at least it isn't a garment grid.

FIGHTING PRETTY

Ed picked up the earring delicately with the tips of his fingers, as though it might spontaneously transmute into something dangerous. "You… Have… Got… To …Be… Kidding!"

Roy just leaned back in his chair and smirked. "Not at all. That will increase your dexterity by two whole points!"

"I DO NOT WEAR EARRINGS!"

Al picked up the silver bangle and cocked his massive head amazed. "They make these in my size?"

"Accessorizing is a GIRL thing, " continued Ed. "Ok, I can see putting an array on a glove or a belt buckle or something, but I don't even use arrays. This will just make me look, er, pretty." Ed looked over the collection of necklaces, bangles, earrings, rings and broaches. "And just what I need is something else for someone to yank off me in a fight. Who the heck came up with this?"

Just then Armstrong came in, jingling and glittering with every sort of jewelry anyone could imagine. He put a tiara on the table "Come see my latest design!"

A/N Oh god, I'm procrastinating bad. I've got housework and to write that essay on parenting I promised. So what am I doing? Writing fics.


	4. Mustang's Tatoo

A/N I was reading through chapter 3 of my other fic, Pawns, and I realized I posed but didn't answer a… well… interesting question. Alchemy is big and powerful and useful, but knowing what a dirty minded race we all are, chances are it has a SEEDY side, too.

MUSTANGS TATOO

"I heard he has one," said Havoc in the break room. It was just men today, sitting around drinking coffee and playing cards and waiting for the paint to peel or the Fuhrer in Training to request they do something. If Hawkeye had been there, Havoc wouldn't have brought up the subject.

"That must have hurt," said Fuery blushing.

Breda and Farman started laughing uncontrollably. "You've seen this?" Breda asked.

"Hell no," said Havoc quickly, almost loosing his cigarette. "This guy down in the motor pool has a girlfriend who said her friend dated him once and…experienced it."

"Who is him?" asked Ed walking in the door, manila files under his arm and a pencil shoved through the top of his braid. "And what does he have that has you all laughing yourself sick over."

Breda suddenly adjusted his collar and Farman made a quick Ix-nay sign, but Havoc didn't notice and went on. "Mustang has a tattoo."

"A tattoo?"

"An array tattooed on his body, in a very, er, personal masculine spot."

Ed's jaw dropped. "You are kidding. What the heck would that be for?"

And Breda couldn't contain himself he fell off the table he'd been sitting on and rolled with hysterics on the floor.

"From what… I hear…." Gasped Havoc. "It's for HER pleasure."

"Well, that's just a load of crap," said Ed indignantly. "He doesn't have anything tattooed down there."

There was sudden silence in the room. Ed suddenly flushed, grabbed his paperwork and exited the room, trying to ignore the roar of laughter he left in his wake.

A/N: As far as I know Mustang doesn't have any tattoos anywhere on his body.


	5. Tingle

A/N: My challenge to myself was to come up with the crackest crack pairing I could. So I came up with this. Armor!Al x Armstrong's Sparkles.

TINGLE

Please don't tell my brother. I don't think he'd understand. He doesn't even like Major Armstrong. Something about the way he's so big, and he tends to lose his shirt every time he uses his alchemy makes Brother edgy.

I don't mind Armstrong at all. Maybe because I'm big and intimidating, too. I can kind of relate.

Anyway a few months ago I was standing next to him when he did his muscle flexing alchemy thing and one of his sparkles actually hit me. Maybe they have some kind of metaphysical substance to them, I don't know, but for some reason I could feel it in a way I can't with physical objects. It felt… nice. Tingly.

For a while I tried to find excuses to stand next to him, and hope that he'd put out his sparkles, but people asked questions. I'm weird enough and following Armstrong around just made me look weirder. I'm kind of shy, you know.

So I found I could stand a few feet a way, and then quietly collect up the sparkles while everyone stared at the Major. I'd lift up my helmet just a little and drop them in. And they'd kind of bounce around and tingle. Mostly they only last a few minutes but I had one last two hours once. That was a good one. Brother couldn't understand why I seemed so distracted.

I'm really glad that I can't show my expression. As long as I don't giggle, I can have a dozen sparkles buzzing around inside me and no one would know. That's why I like long train rides with the Major. While Brother pouts and stares out the window, I can quietly gather up the sparkles until I get a really good tingle going. It keeps me entertained for hours.

I'm not sure if doing this is a bad thing. Do you think the Major minds? I mean, he doesn't do anything with them after they bounce off his muscles. It's not like I'm stealing or anything. Is this bad?

Anyway, no one has noticed me doing this until you. I think I'd be happier if no one else did. So, will you keep this a secret for me? Please, Colonel? Please?


	6. Exhibitionism is NOT Cool

A/N And another totally ridiculous crack idea hit me… so I ran with it. The challenge, how many FMA characters can you pair together at one time. I got nine. Yes this is: Roy/Ed/Al/Hawkeye/Havoc/Fuery/Breda/Farman/Envy

It's more a ficlet than a true drabble, being that it's over 500 words.

EXHIBITIONISM IS NOT COOL

ROY/Ed/Breda/Farman/Al/Hawkeye/Havoc/Fuery/Envy

Ed leaped on Mustang the moment he entered the room. The surprise was enough to knock the older alchemist to the floor, and the position Ed took, straddling his hips, face lowered to just inches away from the other's face and breathing heavily was enough to inspire brief fantasies in everyone else in the room.

Then Ed transmuted his arm to a blade and Breda and Farman had to pry the kid off before he did something too stupid.

Mustang looked up at the people assembled in his office. "To what do I owe this pleasure," he said at last.

Hawkeye spoke up first. "Your sex life, sir. It's gone too far."

Breda nodded. "Yeah, you know I can understand you lusting after Hawkeye, and hell even Ed. But come on, even GIRLS don't lust after me. And after seeing the two of us on the parade fields they never will. This walk on the wild side has gone TOO far."

"And I don't even know HOW I fit into this picture," Al said clanking a little as he took custody of his insanely writhing brother. "I mean, I'm not even anatomically correct. What could we possibly do together?"

Roy smirked briefly, then turned serious. "I'll have you know I'm in a committed monogamous relationship," said Mustang, pulling himself up off the floor and dusting himself off. 'And frankly it's none of your business what exactly we do together."

Havoc put his hands on his hips, "It's not so much the who or what, sir" he said. "Its WHERE. Exhibitionism is not cool. Girls are starting to look at me funny even after I tell them it wasn't me."

"Honestly, Sir," squeaked Fuery. "It would be easier if everyone knew about homunculi, but they DON'T. There are enough people in the mess hall speculating about my preferences. Seeing me… er… with you… er… on the basketball court… um…?" He blushed and hid behind Hawkeye.

Roy giggled.

"Let me put it to you this way, sir," said Farman. "Even though I respect you, If I catch you and myself making out in a park again, I will shoot SOMEONE."

Roy sighed. "I get it. We will be more discrete."

They filed grudgingly out of his office, Al carrying an incoherent Ed under his arm.

A few minutes later Roy arrived at his office.

He looked at himself sitting behind his desk. "Envy, I thought I told you me impressions were off limits."

Envy sighed and changed back to his usual form. "Your underlings are getting upset. Much as I hate to say this, but you are right. Maybe we should just keep to the office and your house. I think they plan to shoot you if they catch me pretending to be them."

Roy thought about it a moment. "Did they say anything about you pretending to be them in private?"

Envy raised an eyebrow. "Curiously enough, no. I think we have a loophole."

Roy smiled. "Great, then I'm in the mood for a little armor."

Envy laughed. "I hoped you'd want to do that one again!"


End file.
